Almost four months ago, my life was flipped upside down. What I once knew was no more. It was devastating and I was heartbroken. I was depressed and numb. What I wanted, was not wanting me. What I needed was not important. What I believed in, no longer existed. Everything I knew since January 2, 2015 was no longer a future, but just a distant memory.
Months and time passed. I moved past it, and got over it. Or at least I believed so. Honestly, I just stuffed it in a little box, pushed my feelings and emotions deep down to my core, locked it and threw away the key.
I thought I moved on but I was wrong.
Three Months later, my past came charging towards me. Wanting me, needing me, loving me, suffocating me. Telling me that I needed to make a decision in less time of being back than of how long it was gone. I became overwhelmed with fear and emotion. Fear of being heart broken again. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being walked away from. The strong confidence that I had built in the previous 2 months began crashing down around me.
I didn't want to lose control of what I had gained. I didn't want to move backwards I wanted to move forward. I was afraid to give in to my heart because of that fear. I kept holding off the possibility of a future because I didn't want to lose that feeling that I had experienced. I loved not feeling weak. I was weak before and I didn't even know it. I didn't want to resort back to the comfort and the weakness. It was unhealthy. It wasn't me.
I was told to find a balance and I tried. I'm still trying. I'm trying to find a balance of still being that confident strong Yesenia and allowing myself to give in to my heart and my feelings. I laid it all out on the table, but maybe just a moment too late.
and with that, I lost the only thing I had ever honestly wanted.
I let go of the possibility of a future. It was right under my nose. Handed to me in a gold platter and I let it go. I tried fighting for it, but it was too late. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I am trying to force something that should have been over with a long time ago.
But my heart can't let go.
It want's what it wants, and it wants Sea Turtles, and Pizza and UFC. It wants Pizza Time, Gumbo Limbo, Cherry Smash, Jeremiahs, Coral Springs, future babies, and Las Vegas Trips. It wants CRJH. It wants the past, with a brand new future. It want's what it can't have.
If this is the end, I am sorry. I am sorry things did not work out no matter how hard we tried or not. I am sorry that it wasn't forever.
It's been about you since I met you, and It'll always be about you.